Shit, Like I Really Know What to Title This Entry......

Ok, just to let you all know this beforehand, but when it comes to posting on my blog, my computer's kind of fucked up and won't let me access the tool bar that's supposed to be between the title box and the message box. So I apologize if this is only in white lettering and a fucked up lettering. I guess I'll have to fix this once I get on a REAL computer.
So much has happened in the past few days it's unbelievable, but the sad thing is, I'm unable to mention them as of yet, but trust me, when I'm able to, I will. Now's just not the proper timing....

DS, I know you still read this. As I said on your blog, you gave yourself away when you posted in Azriel's blog. The ONLY way you could have gotten his address is if you read my blog, then clicked on the direct link.

Kehn, Sean, congrats to you both! I never once imagined that my big bro would end up marrying my little sis whom I just met THIS year....but I'm happy nonetheless for BOTH of you.....

Az, Vetah, what would I do without you two? Both of you have become the 2 most important men in my life, and I can honestly say I'd be lost without either of you... Az, I most definately say you've made me the happiest I've ever been, and I can't wait for it to happen....
Vetah, just do me a favor and get your ass home. Az thinks he's seen me truly happy; unfortunately, he doesn't know what me truly happy is (no offense to you babe) . I actually can't wait until you two can meet, and Vetah, all I ask is that you play nice, brother dear....

Well everyone, much as I'd love to stay on and type more, I've had a loooooong tiring day, and for once I'm actually eager to hit the sack.
Night everyone.....luv you all......

Eisfersult

I seriously can't wait until I can go home for Thanksgiving. For the past several weeks, Az has wanted to take me to the club he used to work at. First of all, my readers, you have to understand that there are a few women there he used to have crushes on...and he wants to take me there to introduce me to them, you know...shock them a bit.
Well...........I have my own reasons to go..... I want to prove to those bitches that Az DOES have what it takes to get a hot, sexy, gorgeous girlfriend, not to sound egotistical or anything..........Ok. So I lied. I am trying to sound egotistical, but....at least that's how I feel now that I'm with him: hot, sexy and gorgeous. I want to go to the club and tell those women they don't know what they're missing since they turned down/ignored such a great guy...... I want to make them jealous. Ok. So I'm a bitch......you all call me that like it's a bad thing. Az really is a great guy....and I love him with everything I am.
Oh, and by the way, I also want to tell them this: THEIR LOSS IS MY GAIN..........

I do have one thing to say to my little sis, my big bro, and my boyfriend.......After the way I've heard all your ex's treated each of you...it's about damn time I see all of you as happy as I see you are now. I really do hope and wish that all your relationships work out.....and that your love lasts forever.....

What AM I?

"As I sit here, and slowly close my eyes, I take another deep breath, and feel the wind pass through my body....." -Godsmack, Serenity


Serenity.......now that's something I could seriously use right now to calm the thoughts raging in my mind.
I sit here in front of this computer, typing this entry, searching deep inside myself to find the answers to questions that just recently started plaguing me, started making me doubt and second guess myself. The sad thing is, these questions didn't start haunting me until Azriel brought a particularly major question.......the issue of me using him.
As I look back on my life, I see all the times I've used people in the past to get what I wanted. I learned the art of manipulation at an early age, and because of that I became a spoiled brat who pitched a bitch every time I didn't get my way. As I grew up, the manipulitive part of me carried over. The sad thing is.....as much as I didn't want to admit it and still don't, I used Billy to a slight degree.
The questions that now bothers me most are these: Am I capable of truly loving someone without (myself) feeling or making the other person feel like I'm only using them? Am I only a spoiled brat who still only cares about getting her way, and when she doesn't, all hell breaks loose? I hope not. Can I or will I ever NOT make whatever boyfriend I have feel like I'm only using them? I hope so..... Azriel is the second boyfriend I've unintentionally gave the impression I'm using him. Billy was the first. And I would love nothing more than to stop giving that impression.....
I hate these realizations. I really, truly, honestly do. I love Az with everything I am, with everything I have, with my heart, mind, body and soul.
Right now, and I have no clue why, I still feel like I'm going to lose him over this...
Well, my readers, I've got to run. I'm once again falling asleep while creating a blog entry.......

1st Hurdle

Tonight Azriel and I jumped the 1st hurdle of our relationship, one that has only brought us closer together, and made our love for each other that much stronger.
He came over Sunday, and we spent a good 8 hours together. Shortly before he left, he saw something I had thought about him when we first started going out. Because I no longer feel that way about him, that thought was pushed so far to the back of my mind I had completely forgotten about it, until he brought it up last night. He told me he saw a chessboard, in which he was a pawn. I asked him if he remembered something I told him awhile ago. The statement I asked him about was this: "When I first started dating you, I didn't want to let myself love you, but once I finally gave into the way you made me feel, I realized how much I really do love you." There was a reason I asked him if he remembered me saying it. He posted a new entry in his blog in which he said, "...but sometimes I feel like she is using me..." This was my explination for asking him- "The reason I didn't want to let myself love you was because I saw dating you as a means to get what I wanted: a means to visit Lee in Arizona, but I really don't see you that way now. Right now you're more important to me than anything in the world. Ask Kehnesh....she can attest that I'm really NOT using you, that I really DO LOVE you.
I felt so miserable once I told him. I felt horrible that I ever thought of him that way. I felt like I was going to lose him forever once I told him how I used to feel. I was terrified that he'd hate me forever, that he wouldn't want me anymore....
But I was wrong. He still loves me. He still wants me by his side. He still wants me to be with him. What more could I possibly want in a man? I know I don't deserve him. I'll admit that right now. He treats me like a queen, something I KNOW I don't deserve. He's kind, and considerate. He's so completely respectful of me. He's become my mentor, and my close friend.
My little bro Lee's trust ranks #1 on my list, and I rank Azriel's trust right up there with Lee's. Knowing I've lost his trust hurts, and it hurts badly. It hurts worse than any time I've ever hurt before. I'm sorry Az. I really am. I'm just glad we were able to work through this. I'm just glad this puts us one step closer to our goal......
And thank you for still wanting me.......
I love you so much, and that won't ever change.....

*sniffle* I'm Sick and I Fuckin HATE It!!!!!!

*growl* WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I HATE BEING SICK!!! I've had a cough Thursday which has been so violent my voice has turned raspy, not to mention I've had a lot of nasal congestion. Sunday Az came to visit me, and saw how bad my cough really is. I've been coughing so hard my abdomen literally hurts. The congestion has now turned into a runny nose, so now my nose looks like Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer's.... On top of all that, both sides of my throat, about an inch down from my lower jaw, hurts really bad. I think I may have either severe sinus drainage, or my most favorite of all sicknesses, the one i got the most as a kid, pharyngitis....DAMN STUPID SICKNESS....
(for those of you who've heard of laryngitis, but not pharyngitis, pharyngitis is........Inflammation of the pharynx. the pharynx is......The cavity at the back of the mouth.)

Just For You

Alright, Azriel, you wanted to know what song I'd chose to describe you, well, I finally found it......

Jay Gordon of Orgy - Slept So Long Lyrics


Walking
Waiting
Alone without a care
Hoping
And hating
Things that I can't bear

Did you think it's cool
To walk right up
To take my life
And fuck it up
Well did you?
Well did you?

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise(surprise)
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

Walking, Waiting
Alone without a care
Hoping
And hating
Things that I can't bear

Did you think it's cool
To walk right up
To take my life
And fuck it up
Well did you?

I hate you!

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
And touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

I've slept so long without you
It's tearing me apart too
How'd it get this far
Playing games with this old heart
I've killed a million petty souls
But I couldn't kill you

I've slept so long without you

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

Love you, babe, and if you can come here this weekend, I'll see you then.....*kisses*

PS. I don't actually hate you. *smirks* I only jokingly hate the frequency/quantity and your methods of torturing me....

Luv U 2, Kehn............

*wink wink* Ahhhh. Come on sis.....you know you love me. I figured that was the reason I haven't heard from you and yes, I seriously hate losing my phone. I WANT IT BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway.......I've been busy studying what Az has been teaching me, which, btw, I can finally do something I've tried so hard to do but never could. (I'll tell you later)
Things at college have been going better. I've gotten back on track with my classes..... but I unfortunately had to drop one, which puts me down to the bare minimum in order to remain a full-time student. I've failed 2 classes, but I plan on taking the grades for them THIS semester, then retaking them NEXT semester..........
*sigh* Things here at college are boring without you, Kehn. You need to come back up here, but unfortunately, you can't. And as for the 4 of us hanging out, *shakes head* I reeeeeeeeeally don't think that'd be a good idea. (We can discuss that over im)
Vetah....I'm counting down the days until you come back. I can't wait till we can hang out. And don't EVEN try and kick me up to the next DDR level. I won't let you.... (Dammit. But if I don't let you, Kehn will.....SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Just remember....you have 3 promises to keep when you finally get out here...
Well, I've got to run everyone...............
Love ya Kehn, Az, Decon and Vetah.........................

bitch .. lol

Haha very funny Kiaria. I read your blog all the time only problem is is that you dont post enough for me to know whats going on. Anyways I found out about that from reading Jakes blog.
I miss talking to you as well, maybe sometime you and me and our boyfriends should get together and hang out sometime. I am going to send you an email here in a minute. And yeah I have sorta been wrapped up in him lately *snicker snicker*.
And you know my email address hasnt changed ... its still gothic_anjel_in_chains I am still at yahoo and as far as I know . com hasnt changed either so sit your fucking ass down ansd wrie me a goddamned email :D.
Well I will talk to you later Kiaria
love Kehneshrae.

Poison

This song was recently "dedicated" to me by my boyfriend. He said that every time he hears it, it reminds him of me......

Thanks Az, and I love you so much! I can't wait until the next time I can see you!

ALICE COOPER
Poison

Your cruel device
Your blood like ice
One look could kill
My pain, your thrill

I want to love you, but I better not touch (Don't touch)
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison runnin'thru my veins
You're poison, I don't want to break these chains

Your mouth, so hot
Your web, I'm caught
Your skin, so wet
Black lace on sweat

I hear you calling and it's needles and pins (And pins)
I want to hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don't want to touch you but you're under my skin (Deep in)
I want to kiss you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison runnin'thru my veins
You're poison, I don't want to break these chains

Poison

One look could kill
My pain, your thrill

I want to love you, but I better not touch (Don't touch)
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison runnin'thru my veins
You're poison, I don't want to break these chains

Poison

I want to love you, but I better not touch (Don't touch)
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison, yeah
I don't want to break these chains Poison, oh no
Runnin'deep inside my veins,
Burnin'deep inside my veins
It's poison I don't want to break these chains

Feeling Better

Alright. I'm trying to post more often, so here goes....

This morning I'm actually feeling better emotionally. I still kind of feel numb, but it's nowhere near as bad as it was yesterday. Not to mention, the stupid mental blank room's back, and I absolutely HATE it. I'm just glad it's slowly starting to get filled again.
One thing I realized a few days ago was that I'm finally starting to think less and less (volume-wise, nothing else) of my ex-bf, which is a very good thing, and I'm starting to think more and more of my current bf, whom I love so much and miss terribly.
And by the way, thanks Vetah and Azriel for the advice. (And no, I don't mean it sarcastically lest you think I am.....) Hopefully I'll get at least 5 1/2-6 hrs sleep before you come, Az.... (and don't worry; that should be more than enough for me) and btw babe, I can't wait to continue my training...
Hmm....what should I talk about now?
Sis, if you're reading this, just make sure Ean continues to treat you right. Make sure he continues to respect you, because if he doesn't, the forementioned consequences WILL come to pass.....

And now that I can think of nothing else to type, I shall finish my laundry, walk to my dorm, and crash.....night all.....more posts shall come later.

Don't Know WTF to Title This........

I don't know why, but right now I'm in one of the weirdest fuckin moods, and have been in one for the majority of the night. Emotionally I'm so numb (sorry Kehn, Vetah and Azriel) towards everyone I love and hold nearest and dearest to my heart. Physically I'm so drained it's not funny, and it's not because of staying up too late. Well. Ok. I lied. It is because I'm staying up too late, but the only reason behind that is because I'm back to the point of my body being so tired while my mind's still racing so fast that I can't get to sleep, until my body's just too damn tired to stay up anymore and it starts saying "Fuck you brain. I'm going to sleep whether you like it or not." Another reason I've been up so late on certain nights is because a friend of mine's going through a really difficult transition, and I've been busy with not only homework, but helping her out as well. I'm also back to the point where I don't feel like eating (and Kehn, please, I don't want to hear one word about it), not to mention, I'm slightly depressed over missing/not being able to see Vetah, Kehn and Azriel (my bf), but luckily, my bf's coming to my college just so we can see each other.
Needless to say I really don't know what's going on with me right now. I've become bitchier than is normal for me, and I'm starting to bite people's heads off without meaning to. I caught myself starting to chew my brother out for the dumbest shit, and without provocation, might I add. It got so bad that when I talked to him this morning, I started screaming "I HATE IT WHEN I FUCKIN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I really don't know what's going on.....SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe I'm losing what little sanity I actually had left. Maybe I should just be locked in a psych ward. Who knows anymore, cuz I sure as hell don't..........