1st Hurdle
Tonight Azriel and I jumped the 1st hurdle of our relationship, one that has only brought us closer together, and made our love for each other that much stronger.
He came over Sunday, and we spent a good 8 hours together. Shortly before he left, he saw something I had thought about him when we first started going out. Because I no longer feel that way about him, that thought was pushed so far to the back of my mind I had completely forgotten about it, until he brought it up last night. He told me he saw a chessboard, in which he was a pawn. I asked him if he remembered something I told him awhile ago. The statement I asked him about was this: "When I first started dating you, I didn't want to let myself love you, but once I finally gave into the way you made me feel, I realized how much I really do love you." There was a reason I asked him if he remembered me saying it. He posted a new entry in his blog in which he said, "...but sometimes I feel like she is using me..." This was my explination for asking him- "The reason I didn't want to let myself love you was because I saw dating you as a means to get what I wanted: a means to visit Lee in Arizona, but I really don't see you that way now. Right now you're more important to me than anything in the world. Ask Kehnesh....she can attest that I'm really NOT using you, that I really DO LOVE you.
I felt so miserable once I told him. I felt horrible that I ever thought of him that way. I felt like I was going to lose him forever once I told him how I used to feel. I was terrified that he'd hate me forever, that he wouldn't want me anymore....
But I was wrong. He still loves me. He still wants me by his side. He still wants me to be with him. What more could I possibly want in a man? I know I don't deserve him. I'll admit that right now. He treats me like a queen, something I KNOW I don't deserve. He's kind, and considerate. He's so completely respectful of me. He's become my mentor, and my close friend.
My little bro Lee's trust ranks #1 on my list, and I rank Azriel's trust right up there with Lee's. Knowing I've lost his trust hurts, and it hurts badly. It hurts worse than any time I've ever hurt before. I'm sorry Az. I really am. I'm just glad we were able to work through this. I'm just glad this puts us one step closer to our goal......
And thank you for still wanting me.......
I love you so much, and that won't ever change.....
He came over Sunday, and we spent a good 8 hours together. Shortly before he left, he saw something I had thought about him when we first started going out. Because I no longer feel that way about him, that thought was pushed so far to the back of my mind I had completely forgotten about it, until he brought it up last night. He told me he saw a chessboard, in which he was a pawn. I asked him if he remembered something I told him awhile ago. The statement I asked him about was this: "When I first started dating you, I didn't want to let myself love you, but once I finally gave into the way you made me feel, I realized how much I really do love you." There was a reason I asked him if he remembered me saying it. He posted a new entry in his blog in which he said, "...but sometimes I feel like she is using me..." This was my explination for asking him- "The reason I didn't want to let myself love you was because I saw dating you as a means to get what I wanted: a means to visit Lee in Arizona, but I really don't see you that way now. Right now you're more important to me than anything in the world. Ask Kehnesh....she can attest that I'm really NOT using you, that I really DO LOVE you.
I felt so miserable once I told him. I felt horrible that I ever thought of him that way. I felt like I was going to lose him forever once I told him how I used to feel. I was terrified that he'd hate me forever, that he wouldn't want me anymore....
But I was wrong. He still loves me. He still wants me by his side. He still wants me to be with him. What more could I possibly want in a man? I know I don't deserve him. I'll admit that right now. He treats me like a queen, something I KNOW I don't deserve. He's kind, and considerate. He's so completely respectful of me. He's become my mentor, and my close friend.
My little bro Lee's trust ranks #1 on my list, and I rank Azriel's trust right up there with Lee's. Knowing I've lost his trust hurts, and it hurts badly. It hurts worse than any time I've ever hurt before. I'm sorry Az. I really am. I'm just glad we were able to work through this. I'm just glad this puts us one step closer to our goal......
And thank you for still wanting me.......
I love you so much, and that won't ever change.....
posted by Heshuutnah at 11:25 PM
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