What AM I?
"As I sit here, and slowly close my eyes, I take another deep breath, and feel the wind pass through my body....." -Godsmack, Serenity
Serenity.......now that's something I could seriously use right now to calm the thoughts raging in my mind.
I sit here in front of this computer, typing this entry, searching deep inside myself to find the answers to questions that just recently started plaguing me, started making me doubt and second guess myself. The sad thing is, these questions didn't start haunting me until Azriel brought a particularly major question.......the issue of me using him.
As I look back on my life, I see all the times I've used people in the past to get what I wanted. I learned the art of manipulation at an early age, and because of that I became a spoiled brat who pitched a bitch every time I didn't get my way. As I grew up, the manipulitive part of me carried over. The sad thing is.....as much as I didn't want to admit it and still don't, I used Billy to a slight degree.
The questions that now bothers me most are these: Am I capable of truly loving someone without (myself) feeling or making the other person feel like I'm only using them? Am I only a spoiled brat who still only cares about getting her way, and when she doesn't, all hell breaks loose? I hope not. Can I or will I ever NOT make whatever boyfriend I have feel like I'm only using them? I hope so..... Azriel is the second boyfriend I've unintentionally gave the impression I'm using him. Billy was the first. And I would love nothing more than to stop giving that impression.....
I hate these realizations. I really, truly, honestly do. I love Az with everything I am, with everything I have, with my heart, mind, body and soul.
Right now, and I have no clue why, I still feel like I'm going to lose him over this...
Well, my readers, I've got to run. I'm once again falling asleep while creating a blog entry.......
Serenity.......now that's something I could seriously use right now to calm the thoughts raging in my mind.
I sit here in front of this computer, typing this entry, searching deep inside myself to find the answers to questions that just recently started plaguing me, started making me doubt and second guess myself. The sad thing is, these questions didn't start haunting me until Azriel brought a particularly major question.......the issue of me using him.
As I look back on my life, I see all the times I've used people in the past to get what I wanted. I learned the art of manipulation at an early age, and because of that I became a spoiled brat who pitched a bitch every time I didn't get my way. As I grew up, the manipulitive part of me carried over. The sad thing is.....as much as I didn't want to admit it and still don't, I used Billy to a slight degree.
The questions that now bothers me most are these: Am I capable of truly loving someone without (myself) feeling or making the other person feel like I'm only using them? Am I only a spoiled brat who still only cares about getting her way, and when she doesn't, all hell breaks loose? I hope not. Can I or will I ever NOT make whatever boyfriend I have feel like I'm only using them? I hope so..... Azriel is the second boyfriend I've unintentionally gave the impression I'm using him. Billy was the first. And I would love nothing more than to stop giving that impression.....
I hate these realizations. I really, truly, honestly do. I love Az with everything I am, with everything I have, with my heart, mind, body and soul.
Right now, and I have no clue why, I still feel like I'm going to lose him over this...
Well, my readers, I've got to run. I'm once again falling asleep while creating a blog entry.......
posted by Heshuutnah at 5:23 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home