I am my name......
Deep down inside me there's a demon that feels all the pain I feel and bottles it inside itself. With each memory of certain people, or events, the pain builds and brings the demon closer to the surface, closer to taking control of me. And when it does, EVERYONE I know pays. My words become venomous, filled with cold anger and calm pain. When the demon takes control, it's only goal is to ease the pain we feel by inflicting it on others, whether by verbally hurting them, or by physically hurting them.
Lately, Az and I have started to have more and more small arguments.....arguments over the dumbest shit that shouldn't even matter, but aparently does. Just yesterday my mom mentioned that the surgery performed last week on my only remaining grandmother didn't get all the cancer like the doctors had initially thought. I ended up dropping the phone. Az commented that Mom was still on the phone, and I snapped at everyone in the room, including my son's soon-to-be Aunt Jenny. I just...snapped....
Moments later in our room, I found myself so consumed with rage that I purposely tried to start a fight with Az. Not to mention, I knew he was already emotionally numb, yet the demon deep within me rose to the surface like some monster from the grave of my soul and I started spouting my poisoned words in an attempt to see just how emotionally cold I could make him.
I have come to realize that my "PAYNE" is caused by a culmination of things. For starters, as you all know I lost my grandfather back in June due to cancer, and that 3 wks later, my oldest uncle was dianosed with cancer. Well, on top of all that shit, about 2-3 wks ago, my aforementioned grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I have also come to realize that I'm missing Vetah more now than I ever have before....so much more that just thinking about him kills me. And as beautiful and amazing as Az and I's son is, I can't help but remember the loved ones who died so that our son could live. (read back several posts to where i mentioned "there must be death in order for life to exist....")
Lately, Az and I have started to have more and more small arguments.....arguments over the dumbest shit that shouldn't even matter, but aparently does. Just yesterday my mom mentioned that the surgery performed last week on my only remaining grandmother didn't get all the cancer like the doctors had initially thought. I ended up dropping the phone. Az commented that Mom was still on the phone, and I snapped at everyone in the room, including my son's soon-to-be Aunt Jenny. I just...snapped....
Moments later in our room, I found myself so consumed with rage that I purposely tried to start a fight with Az. Not to mention, I knew he was already emotionally numb, yet the demon deep within me rose to the surface like some monster from the grave of my soul and I started spouting my poisoned words in an attempt to see just how emotionally cold I could make him.
I have come to realize that my "PAYNE" is caused by a culmination of things. For starters, as you all know I lost my grandfather back in June due to cancer, and that 3 wks later, my oldest uncle was dianosed with cancer. Well, on top of all that shit, about 2-3 wks ago, my aforementioned grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I have also come to realize that I'm missing Vetah more now than I ever have before....so much more that just thinking about him kills me. And as beautiful and amazing as Az and I's son is, I can't help but remember the loved ones who died so that our son could live. (read back several posts to where i mentioned "there must be death in order for life to exist....")
posted by Heshuutnah at 10:07 AM
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