Interesting Times....

It's getting closer and closer to All Hallow's Eve, and I find myself getting more and more psyched about it. My bf came up to the college to see me, and we had an awesome time. We even sat down and talked through some of our emotional baggage from our former relationships, which I think helped us both out immensely. I seriously hope things work out between us. And for some reason, my big bro still has some concerns about me, his "little sis", dating his best friend, yet even though he has these concerns, he won't come and talk to me about it. He just holds it in and won't say anything to me, or his gf, or his best friend (my bf).....so I really don't know what to do about it. But I do know I won't go to him and ask. He has to come to me and take the initiative...
Needless to say, my little sis has a new bf as well, and from what I hear, things are going very well for her. CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (just make sure he continues to treat you with respect, because the instant he steps out of line, I'm carrying through on my promise to him.......*grins evilly*)

And Vetah, *smiles while laughing* I have to congratulate you for still finding a way to kick my ass even when you're 2000 miles away....I guess I'll just have to return the favor when you get YOUR ass back here........lol. Just don't forget, you've got TWO promises to keep to me when you get back here, and I'm keeping a list in case you wrack up any more............lol

Brother's Challenge.............Returned

Ok, Lee. You're on. Game's been started...ball's in YOUR court... but what you don't understand, it's not just you and i playing the game.......anymore. NOW you're dealing with my new sis andie, AND me.........
so if you think you can take us on..............by all means, YOU CAN FUCKIN TRY............






Good luck...............

*Deep Sigh*

What can I say? I talked to my little brother last night/this morning, and the side of him I thought was dead came out to prove me wrong, something I'm extremely happy about......but that doesn't stop me from missing him, or help my antsyness waiting for him to come back home. So I guess you could say I'm kind of stuck in a rut. An uphill/downhill battle with my emotions (damn them....).

I've been spending so much time with my new b/f lately, and I find it's getting harder and harder to leave his side.....and unfortunately, this scenario sounds and feels all too familiar to me. (Just please don't feel bad when you read this babe. It's nothing you can help...I just have a lot of things to deal with, but I'll get through them in time, I promise.) Sometimes I honestly wish I could just erase the memories I have of my ex, but as Vetah pointed out, those memories are part of who I am. And Vetah, you'll be surprised to find out Vera pretty much told me the same thing you did, but in a different way. Her words to me were, "Don't try to forget the memories, because you learned important lessons from your time with him. If you forget them, you'll also forget the lessons you learned.....", just as she also pointed out that our uncanny timing was determined by fate, so I could have a chance with my new and current b/f......and let me tell you, I don't regret one minute I've spent with him.....

All I can say is that life is full of ironies, things that you want to turn out a particular way, only to turn out a completely different way than you had ever expected.

On a much different note, I am currently struggling in college. Those of you who know me know I have problems with a lack of motivation to do things, and because of that, I fall behind. Well, the same thing has happened yet again. My time here has become Sinclair all over again, but this time is different. This time I'm not giving up. This time I'm taking the initiative to set things right..........if I'm even allowed to correct them, that is. Once again I've screwed up, and now I'm working on my 2nd strike. I just hope I can keep the hammer from dropping........

(And Mom, do me a favor, don't even ask about college......please? I'll tell you how things are going once I get them all worked out.....)

No Title

First of all, I'd like to say that, Lee, I fear for myself at times... I guess spending all the time with members of my own kind has only brought out the most feral, most vicious side of me. The side of me I'm constantly fighting to control and have only recently realized i have, and have had, little to no control over it. Second of all, I myself don't really know what's going on with me, but if I figure it out, Vetah, I'll definately let you know.....

And once again, D.S., I find myself being crueler to you than everyone and anyone else. *chuckles* Guess I really am the bitch you so lovingly used to call me. *bows head* I'm going through a difficult time right now. I'm enduring more changes in this short period of time than I have ever gone through before. Some of them may be good, some of them may be bad....I guess it all depends on who's looking at them.
Yes, I've completely changed from the woman you once knew, but I'm proud of who I am today, although I may not be proud of my actions at times....


To everyone I know:
And as for apologies......well, I'm through with apologizing for my actions.

P.S.

Don't bother asking me who it is....because my life is none of your business.

I'M TAKEN, SO....LEAVE...ME...ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, today I just responded to the guy's proposal of dating me....and I told him YES. *Kehnesh cheers from background* I've known this guy about the same length of time I've known Vetah, and well *giggles like bubbly blonde airhead*, this guy actually makes me happier than YOU ever did, Billy, so get over your fuckin delusion of me EVER going back to you. It's like I told you last night, there will NEVER be "us" again. I don't have to hide behind my facades for this guy like I HAD to do for you... I DON'T WANT YOU EVER AGAIN, SO STOP STALKING ME!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want you to call me, don't want you to im me, don't want you to email me, don't want you to visit me...... When I said we're through, I FUCKIN MEANT IT. I'm perfectly happy without you, and if I ever see you again, it would be too soon.... If I ever heard your voice again, IT WOULD BE TOO FUCKIN SOON.... So, my advice to you....GET THE HELL OVER ME, BECAUSE I'M COMPLETELY OVER YOU...... And no, I don't miss you anymore...so deal with it.

Complicated Life

Oi ve. My life just continues to get more and more complicated as each day goes by. Tonight, by chance, I had the opportunity to talk to my ex-b/f, which I took, btw. And the conversation turned out to be quite interesting... The moral of the story, so to speak, is that he still loves me, despite how badly I hurt him last month. I have to admit....I'm really shocked to find that out. I honestly thought he'd hate me forever for what I did, but as it turns out, I was wrong. Needless, to say, I found out a guy I know and believed had a crush on me does indeed have a crush on me. I just don't know what to say to some of the things he's told me; my lack of speech due to my complete and utter shock and amazement. Next in line comes an extremely good friend of mine who's been waiting for me to break up with my now ex-b/f to have his fun with me, and I'd be lying if I said I haven't been waiting for this opportunity myself. Only problem is, now that I'm available, he's NOT. Go figure......
So because of these 3 men, my life has become more complicated than I ever dreamed it would. I now have no idea what to do.... I've only been single for a little over a month, and I'm rather enjoying my freedom. All I can say is that I'm not EVER going back out with my ex, I'm not making any major decisions concerning the guy with his crush on me until I get to know him better, and I'm going to take whatever chance I can to get the guy I've wanted "out of my system".

Stupid Dumb Depression

*Sigh* What can i say? I'm sitting here at my desk at 2:16 in the morning, talking to my sis who's helped me out of my depression once again. Geez, what would I do without you Kehnesh?
I left Vera's room at 11:30 last night, and drove around for the next hour, trying to clear my head, trying to think through things, the whole time feeling engulfed by this stupid dumb depression. I guess you could say the main reason behind it was my lonliness, feeling so cut off from everyone I've ever cared about or loved. Kehnesh, Vetah, my family, my dog........EVERYONE. I felt so empty, so hollow inside that nothing could fill it. Like the chasm was too great to ever bridge. I felt so emotionally drained, so empty, empty in a way I haven't felt for years now. So empty I wanted to cry, but couldn't. So empty I wanted to just lay down and die, but I didn't.
Despite my ongoing battles with depression I've come to learn that the only way to beat it is to continue living one day at a time. That regardless of my depression, don't give into the lies that I'm worthless to everyone, because in reality, I'm not. I'm valuable to more people than I even realize. And besides, if I tried to kill myself, (suicide never being an option for me ever again....), Kehnesh would find some way of resurrecting me, then torment me the rest of my miserable existence......lol (love ya Kehn!), not to mention whatever twisted way Vetah would find to torture me.....(love you too, Vetah!)
Either way, for some reason, only talking to Kehnesh got me out of my emotional funk. We're sitting here, turning an ordinary Christmas song into a horror Christmas song......(tooo much fun, btw) and discussing so many things.
Well, Vetah. All I can say is that she's doing what you asked her to do.....helping me through my dumbass emotional crises.....
And thanks again, Kehnesh......for helping me out once again........