*Deep sigh* For the first time in days I finally feel like I've got my emotions under control. For the first time in days I actually haven't cried like a baby, making myself appear a fool in front of everyone I know. For the first time in days I haven't felt terrified by practically everything I could possibly think of. And it feels great.
For the first time in weeks I finally got to hang out with Sessome, my best friend, now that my little bro Lee's gone. We're both going through so much shit right now that just talking to each other has "calmed us both down." The sad thing is, we both seem to have issues with the most important guys in our lives. It kind of reminds me of a country song I once heard: "Men. You can't live with'em and ya just can't shoot'em. Men." Grr. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like without them, and unfortunately, I think Sess is wondering the same thing...

Freaking Out

Well, my readers, I apologize for not posting in over a week, but I've been busy preparing for college. It is now only 4 more days until I move into my dorm, and I'm literally freaking out. Everything in my life has changed too much too fast this year and I don't know how much more of this I can handle. Inside I feel as though I'm breaking, like I'm falling apart, like everything's spiraling out of my control and there's nothing I can do about it. The good thing is that I've been talking to my future room-mate and it sounds like we'll get along rather well. But that doesn't help how terrified I'm feeling right now. So many people are placing their faith in me. They're absolutely confident I can and will succeed in college, and I'm sitting here, despite all my supporters, and I'm afraid of failing, afraid of being alone. This is my last chance to fulfill my dream of going to college, and if I mess it up this time, I've lost for good. For me it's 2 strikes and I'm out, I don't get a third.
Every time I try to pack my stuff, I can't help but think about everything I'm leaving behind, how everything's going to change and nothing will ever be the same. All my fears rise to the surface and it's those times I honestly don't feel I'll ever be alright. I've purposely delayed my packing because it's a constant reminder of all the things I'm going to miss once I've left. I'm so used to living with my family that I know I'm going to miss them all so much. I'm so used to my dog knowing when I feel my worst that she comes in and sleeps on my bed, just to comfort me. Once I get to college, I won't have any of that except when I go back home, and it's hitting me very hard.

Changes

Tomorrow I leave to spend a week at my grandparents' house before I go to college. Hopefully everything goes alright. I can't believe I start the first of my four years this year. It seems like everything I've dreamed about and wished for is finally coming true. Only 17 days and counting until I move into my dorm, and as the days slowly tick away I find myself becoming ever more antsy, eager to be out there, eager to be on my own. I still can't get over how my entire life seemed to have changed so quickly and so drastically this year. Things I thought I was so sure of I'm now no longer sure. Things I wanted in the past really don't matter any more, and things that were never really that important have become very important to me. I don't exactly know why all these changes have occurred and are occurring, but I'm positive they can only be for the best. At least I hope...

Seeing Through the Facades

It's always so frustrating when you try so hard to hide how you're really feeling, only people around you still see right through you. Several people I know can lock their emotions away, yet whenever I try the same thing, it never really works. For example: back before my boyfriend and I smoothed out our relationship, I was trying to hide how I really felt because I wasn't ready to tell him, yet he figured it out anyway. All the arguing I've been doing with my family, I've been trying to hide my reasoning behind that, but despite how much I tried not to let people catch on, my mother still figured it out. I guess with me being so ready to go off to college, I've been taking a lot of things for granted. My family used to hold birthday parties for everyone in the family and for the longest time I said I didn't want to go to any of them. Thing is, I actually miss the parties. I've argued so much lately with my mom, dad and sister because I was trying sever the ties so I wouldn't miss them while I'm at college, yet again, I was only fooling myself. Regardless of how I'd like to not miss any of them at times, I know I will. And at this point, just like alwayse, despite how frustrated I get with those three, I wouldn't trade any of them for anything in the world. We've had our fair share of ups and downs, but they've always been there for me, just like I've done for them.

Rough Times

Well, everyone, I am happy to announce that my boyfriend is once again feeling himself. Our relationship was on the rocks for months, but we finally sat down and addressed the issue, something I had been putting off for months. Needless to say the whole thing boiled down to multiple misunderstandings and weeks of pondering the answers behind things said and done, only to discover the answers while just sitting there and talking. We've worked things out and now the relationship's slowly getting better. (Next time you advise me to do something, Lee, I'm going to listen. You were right. Not addressing the issue when you advised me to did indeed only make the situation worse...)
Things at home are getting more and more edgy as I prepare for college. My sister and I usually get along rather well, yet for the past week it seems like we're constantly at each other's throats. It seems like little things that normally don't bother us are constantly getting under our skin. Ironically, although we fight like cats and dogs, I love her a lot. As for my relationship with my parents, well...that was already rough enough as it was, but seems to continually get even rougher. I love'm, but I'm ready to be on my own. Let's just say one thing I definitely won't miss is someone in the family thinking they know everything there is to know about computers, when in reality they're very computer illiterate, and only ends up screwing the computer up. Yeah.....I definitely won't miss that, and I'm looking quite forward to getting my new computer tower. No one to screw it up but me, and then I have no one to blame but myself.

Intro

First of all, let me introduce myself. My name is Terahna. I'm 20, have blond hair, blue eyes, fair skin, your typical German descendent. I'm about 5'5", 5'6", and I'm taken. Pathetic as it is, I'm currently living with my family. The good news is I move into my college dorm in 22 days.
My life recently took a major turn when my best friend moved out to AZ the end of June, and my relationship with my boyfriend turned sour several months ago, but luckily my little brother was there to help me out. (FYI to all my readers: Lee Towers is my little brother, and I'm the "big sister Sara" he occasionally mentions. For those of you who've never read his blog, go to www.fatestool.blogspot.com .)
Background: I lived the majority of my life as a Christian. I attended a Christian school, went to church twice a week... You get the point. Over the past few years I've come to realize Christianity just isn't "my thing" anymore. I got tired of all the restrictions Christianity put on a person. My beliefs now: There is a higher being watching over us, but it merely observes us, nothing else. We as humanity got where we are today on our own. Without help. All the good things, all the bad things in our society are the results of the choices we as humanity made.
And with that, I leave you.