Nothing New

First of all, this weekend has been absolutely incredible, with the exception of some of the mind games played...

For once I finally got to fall asleep in my fiancee's arms, only to wake up right beside him. It gives me chills just thinking about how things will be once Az and I are married.
Last night I finally confronted one of my greatest issues: Me having children. Two men I know have always told me I would make a great mother, yet I always doubted them. I realized that whenever I thought about having children while I was with DS, that thought terrified me. I was worried that I would abuse them if I ever got angry at them, especially when I punished them. Now that I'm with Az, I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I no longer worry about abusing whatever children I may have. Why? Because he did something DS never could do, Az helped me get my anger under control, and is continually helping me KEEP it under control. THAT'S why I no longer fear having children....
I finally got a chance to talk to my little brother and he's not too happy about my decision to drop out of college into order to prepare for my future family, but as I told him, it's MY life, MY choice, and I know I'm doing the right thing despite what others may say....
Ho hum.....I'd love to say more, but there's not really anything else to say...

EXCEPT for...

DS, I'm sorry all I do is torture you. I would stop those dreams if I could, so that you could finally be at peace and move on. Shit, I'd even erase myself from your memories so you could forget ALL ABOUT me.....and btw, Az would like to meet you....

With All My Heart, Mind, Soul & Body.....

God! I'm too excited about my engagement, but I just can't HELP IT!!!!!!!!!! I love Az so much it hurts. I'm to the point where I miss him so much I can't get to sleep without listening to the mixed CD he made me. There are so many songs on there that say the words I just can't seem to find in order to tell him EXACTLY how much I love him.... The night he proposed, it all seemed like just a dream. I was still so shocked that I screamed "PLEASE LET THIS BE REAL! PLEASE DON'T LET THIS BE SOMETHING THAT JUST VANISHES WHEN I WAKE UP!!!! I WANT THIS TO BE REAL!!" Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" is one of the songs on the CD, and I put it on repeat. All I could do in the 30-40 mins it took me to get to sleep was cry and scream, cry and scream.
Lately, things have been falling into place for Az and I; issues that have once been problems we've addressed and conquered, and I can only hope my big brother begins to understand how much I love Az, and that I would never willingly hurt him.....

Az, I love you with everything I am and have....I know we've only known each other 3 1/2 years, and we've only been dating under 2 months, but I've fallen so hard for you that's there's nothing I can do about it, except only continue to fall even more in love with you with each and every passing day. I can't stand being without you, although I know I must be patient about this...but unfortunately, patience is my greatest weakness.... I can't wait until I can fall asleep in your arms every night, wake up every morning beside you, and never have to leave your side except when either of us have to work.... I want nothing more than to be with you right now, sleeping beside you with your arm draped over my side, and the only thing keeping me sane is knowing that the time for that is coming, and that we have less than a year to wait.... Seeing as it's already difficult to be without you, I honestly don't know HOW we're going to make it, especially ME...but I know WE can do it. I may despise waiting, but as I told you so many times before, I'm willing to endure ANY amount of hell, just to be with you...to be your wife...
I miss you. Every day that passes I feel as though another piece of me is dying, and the sad thing is, because of the distance and my finances I know there's not a DAMN thing I can do about it.... I know you want to help, but unfortunately you can't.
Az, you make me happier than I've ever been before. I'm not used to being THIS happy, and because of that, I sit here waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the depression, the unhappiness, the anger and frustration and all the other negative emotions I've known for so long to come rushing back. When I'm with you, all those feelings melt away and are replaced by peace, calmness, love and joy.....matter of fact, both of "us" are so happy we still can't believe how much we're loved...
Thank you, Az. I thought I knew what love felt like, but you've proven that true love extends way beyond what I ever knew........
I just wanted to let you know that this song says EXACTLY how I feel about you....and this is the song I'd like to be played during our actual wedding ceremony....

AEROSMITH- "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing"

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
'Cause I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep, yeah
I don't wanna miss a thing
I don't wanna miss a thing

I love you with all my heart, mind, soul and body, Az, and I absolutely CANNOT wait to be your wife...

MY EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All right everyone. Guess what! I can officially tell you all what I wanted to say in my last entry: AZ AND I ARE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The wedding will take place next year and I just absolutely can't wait! I love him so much, and it seems like everyone can see it but my big brother and my own family. I do have to admit, it's nice knowihg that i don't have to constantly keep proving how much I love the man I'm with, because his mother and siblings don't make me feel like I'm not good enough for him. I actually feel.....accepted......wanted into his family, something I felt before with my ex, but never to THIS magnitude. Az makes me feel like the happiest woman alive, and we have sooooo much in common. lol *chuckles* just tonight we had a quote stump war.......one in which i desparately lost (DAMN YOU AZ!!!!) hehehe.... but the funny thing is.....I finally stumped him...lol...but only because I cheated. I didn't quote anything from a movie, I quoted Genjo Sanzo from Saiyuki, a japanese anime series....
Sorry babe, but I HAD to stump you one way or another. You've seen all the movies I never imagined you had heard of. Like I said over yahoo.......it's EXTREMELY rare for me to find anyone who's even HEARD of The Maniquin, both Short Circuit movies, Big Trouble In Little China, or even Batteries Not Included. Shit. You even knew the name of a movie I had tried for 10 yrs to find the name............(which was Solar Babies for all of you who ACTUALLY care....)that goes to say A LOT.....but I love you so much Az, and I hope the day I become your wife comes quickly...
Vetah, I really enjoyed our conversation tonight. I was very glad to hear that the OLD you has returned. I can hear it in your voice. But the one thing I hate to hear from you is how miserable you are out there, and I know you know how I feel about that. I"m just looking forward to you coming home, being able to spend time with you.....and I really do want you to meet my fiancee...As I told you before, I think you two will definately get a long......
Ok. I only have a little bit more to say, then I'll actually post this. Mom and I finally talked about Azriel and I's engagement tonight, not to mention a lot of other issues, and it's clear to see that she and I will NEVER see the same things concerning religion, especially Az and I's....but oh well.......I'm used to this kind of shit...
Well, night everyone. Love you all!