GOOD NEWS!!!!!!

Well everyone, Az and I finally know what our baby is. I went to the hospital for my ultrasound today and the radiologist told us it's a baby boy.
GOD WE CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

Life Blows

Shit. I must sound like a fucking basket case. I guess the fuckin mood swings from my pregnancy are hitting me harder than I thought.
On top of the shit concerning my previous entry, I have this massive void in my soul. I'm sitting right next to my fiancee, Az, and although he's sleeping, I feel so miserably alone.
My closest friend and confidant, Lee (aka VETAH) is in Arizona. The trouble I'm having with him is the fact that I don't think about him as often as I once did, but when I do, I miss him so much. I just talked to him this morning via IM, and I asked him "Why is it people have a hard time letting go of things from their past? And why is it those things create what seems to be unfillable voids in our very souls?" His response to me was this, "Because we are slaves to our past. We are who we are because of our experiances." For only being 18, he's pretty damn insightful, huh?
Last year he indirectly introduced me to a good friend of his, a girl I nicknamed Kehneshrae, or Kehn for short. We hit it off well and became close friends very quickly. Well, I introduced her to a guy I know, who's now her boyfriend, and the two of them got Azriel and I together. Unfortunately, towards the end of '04 both Kehn and I's boyfriends "got into it" and because of things past, Az and I completely severed ourselves from him.
Partially because of the whole issue concerning our men, and partially because of how busy I am, I've neglected her. Kehn and I are both pregnant, and I promised her I'd help her out. But I've broken my promise to her, and I'm left feeling miserable because of my choices.

And yes, Kehn. I completely understand that I have no one to blame but myself for it.

Because of my concern of encountering..........sean........I don't visit her as often as I should. And I miss her so much because of it. Sometimes I wish I had never introduced her to him because I miss how much we used to talk and hang out. And I guess you could say I'm too attached to my past to let go. I want to hang out with her, but my worry prevents me from doing so.....

I Don't Understand.....WHY IS THIS HAPPENING????

Why is it when lives change so drastically, one involuntarily dwells on the past, the "what-if's" and possibilities of the direction their life could have gone?
For some stupid reason I can't help but sit here and wonder what my life would have been like had I stayed with Bill. I try to push any and all thoughts of him to the farthest reaches of my mind, but somehow they push and shove their way to the foremost part of it. Why is it my memories of the times I spent with him constantly come back to haunt me? What did I ever do to deserve this??
I don't want to think about him, don't want to remember him, don't want to have anything to do with him, but these repressed thoughts won't fuckin leave me alone. How the hell can I get rid of them?
I love the man I'm now with more than anything in the world. He makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. I want to talk to him about what's going on, but I don't think he'd understand..
So why the hell do I continue to think about and remember my ex? Why is it that I can't seem to get him out of my head? Is it because we've known each other for so long?
I constantly try to rationalize why I think about him and our past history. I'm sick of all of this. And now, for some dumb reason, I just read his blog and the words he mentioned about me, even though he wrote them months ago, still manage to hit me hard. I don't understand why. I wish I did, but I don't.
CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHY THE FUCK HE STILL MANAGES TO TORTURE ME?????????? AND HOW THE HELL I CAN STOP IT?????????????
My sister and my ex's sister are best friends, and knowing that they hang out doesn't help. Every time I hear Amy's name it reminds me of her brother, and the shit starts all over again.
SHIT.
I could really use a stiff drink right now.....
*rolls eyes*
If only I wasn't pregnant.........

Tooo Long....................

God, it's been waaaaaay too fuckin long since I've posted anything on here. Sorry bout that everyone.
Well, in order to catch you all up on the events of my life, I'll try to be as brief as possible.
Back in December, a friend of mine became pregnant, and for some reason, my biological clock began ticking because of it. Well, sometime in January, I thought I was showing certain signs, but every home pregnancy test I took came up negative. I went to a doctor about the 2nd week of February and took a pregnancy test. Well everyone, THIS time it came up POSITIVE. The doctor then immediately scheduled me for an ultrasound that Friday. When Az and I got there, the nurses were able to tell us that I was actually 1mo and 5das. Let me tell you all, finding out I was pregnant wasn't what surprised us, it was finding out how far along I was.......and god was it soooo exciting.
May 1st I celebrated my 21st b-day, and although I couldn't really drink, Az took me to a strip club to celebrate. Now, before you all start wondering why the hell I would agree to this, I did it because I'm starting to open my mind up to new things I've never tried before, and one thing I've realized about myself is that women are starting to attract me. But don't get any ideas. I still love Az with everything I am; he's the only man I ever want or need. In other words, I'm going to experiment with the bisexual lifestyle.....
Too much emotional shit's going on right now. Not only do I have our child to worry about, but saving up for a place to live, not to mention saving money for Az and I's wedding, which will hopefully happen next spring. My grand father on my dad's side isn't doing well physically, and he could go at any time. I have a bitch of a manager at my job who only last week told me "Either work with this person, or go home." I tried to explain to her that I don't get along with that person very well, and that's when she gave me the ultimatum. I eventually decided "Fuck it. Working with that one is more stress than it's worth." So I went home. Not exactly the smartest decision, but I know a woman who miscarried her baby because she was put under too much stress. I wasn't about to do that to myself or my unborn child........
So now I sit before my compy, feeling like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and until something happens to relieve it....I guess I'm just stuck with it.....