Damn Blank Room...

I don't know what it is about this time of the year, but for some reason my mind seems to completely empty itself of any and all thought. Yes. The same blank room that I had this time last year has once again returned, and because of it, all of my creativity has vanished along with it.
I guess it's the weather....the windy, gloomy, cold days just seem to bring about and stir up saddening memories. Another factor seems to be that I can't help remembering what things were like this time last year....and how over the course of ONE year my life has changed so drastically.
There have been times lately where I've wished that I could simply wave my hand and go back to the way things used to be, how they were so simple and uncomplicated. And sometimes, just SOMETIMES I wish I would have waited to have a child.
I've recently come to realize that maybe I did rush into things. (I know I did when it came to having a child.) When I said yes to dating Az, I told him "There's only one way that I'll date you. 1) You have to take me as I am, flaws and all, and 2) You have to take it slow."
Well, he took me as I was, but as for the take it slow part, we ended up having sex within the 1st week that we started dating. (It tooks me 6-7 years TOTAL before I ever made that decision with my ex....just to put things into perspective for you all.)Because of that decision, Az and I never had the time to develop our relationship. Our relationship, at that time, was based on our carnal desires, our sexual hunger. We only sat down months into my pregnancy and decided to work on our relationship, to develop it. Because of how fast our relationship progressed, and the lack of development, there have been questions I've been asking myself... What would have happened had I waited to date Az? Would it have been easier and less painful to get over my ex? Would Az and I be having so many problems had I waited?
As of today, we still have problems, things we need to work out, but as least we're working on them. We've both agreed that if our relationship is going to last, then we can't sweep any problems we have with each other under a rug and ignore them; that it's best to deal with them the instant they pop up. And when the problem's initially brought up, yeah, it may hurt, but by discussing the problem we resolve it, and by resolving the conflict we only strengthen our bond, which strengthens our relationship.

So to any of you out there having conflicts with your girlfriend/boyfriend, fiancee or spouse, if you truly love them, don't ignore problems. If you notice they seem to be angered by your mere presence, or try to pull away from you, make an attempt to talk to them. And if they don't want to talk to you, then drop the subject; they'll tell you what's bothering them when they're ready.

And Az, when you read this, just remember that I love you with every breath I take, and with everything I am and have.... I love you, Az...

Vetah, take care of yourself and get this issue with Cora figured out. I know you love her too much to just throw your relationship with her away, and if you are willing to just let her go.....you're dumber than I thought...

HELP ME.........PLEASE!!!!!

Anyone who can help me out, please do so....

I am currently wanting to change the entire appearance of my blog, but I don't know how. If someone can either teach me how or wants to create a new blog page for me, let me know.....

I am my name......

Deep down inside me there's a demon that feels all the pain I feel and bottles it inside itself. With each memory of certain people, or events, the pain builds and brings the demon closer to the surface, closer to taking control of me. And when it does, EVERYONE I know pays. My words become venomous, filled with cold anger and calm pain. When the demon takes control, it's only goal is to ease the pain we feel by inflicting it on others, whether by verbally hurting them, or by physically hurting them.
Lately, Az and I have started to have more and more small arguments.....arguments over the dumbest shit that shouldn't even matter, but aparently does. Just yesterday my mom mentioned that the surgery performed last week on my only remaining grandmother didn't get all the cancer like the doctors had initially thought. I ended up dropping the phone. Az commented that Mom was still on the phone, and I snapped at everyone in the room, including my son's soon-to-be Aunt Jenny. I just...snapped....
Moments later in our room, I found myself so consumed with rage that I purposely tried to start a fight with Az. Not to mention, I knew he was already emotionally numb, yet the demon deep within me rose to the surface like some monster from the grave of my soul and I started spouting my poisoned words in an attempt to see just how emotionally cold I could make him.

I have come to realize that my "PAYNE" is caused by a culmination of things. For starters, as you all know I lost my grandfather back in June due to cancer, and that 3 wks later, my oldest uncle was dianosed with cancer. Well, on top of all that shit, about 2-3 wks ago, my aforementioned grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I have also come to realize that I'm missing Vetah more now than I ever have before....so much more that just thinking about him kills me. And as beautiful and amazing as Az and I's son is, I can't help but remember the loved ones who died so that our son could live. (read back several posts to where i mentioned "there must be death in order for life to exist....")