Distinction

It feels so good to be on this blog again. I thought I was done on here, but apparently I'm not.


While re-reading some of my old posts, I realized that for some of you, a distinction must be made. In my previous entries, I mentioned the name Sean. There is a separation that I have to make with this name. There is Sean, and there's "Sean".

It is not Sean that I hold in such vehemence. Sean was my brother, as he was once Azriel's as well. "Sean" is the imposter that I loathe and contest. "Sean" is nothing more than a vicious, malevolent imposter. One who distroyed the brother I cared about. (I'm not going to go into details about how the imposter came to be, so don't even ask.)

Deep down, I know that Sean cared about you Kehn, cared about Az and I. Why else would he have pushed so hard to get Az and I together? How do I know? Because Sean's last great gift to his brother was....happiness, knowing that he would be loved and cared about, that he would never have to worry about being alone ever again. "Sean", however, couldn't stand Az being happy and tried to ruin it by splitting us apart via lies.
Kehn, I don't know if I ever told you this, but I felt Sean's presence at Az and I's wedding. It was like it was his last gift to us, his way of saying goodbye. Since then, neither Az nor I have ever felt his essence again.

Sean was good. He just dove too far into very dark stuff and couldn't get back out.

H-o-l-y Crap! It's my long-lost blog!!!!

Kehn, I don't know how you found this, but thank you. I had completely forgot about this blog, even though it has always been my favorite. Geez, I almost feel like a piece of me has been restored, simply for having this blog back.

Let's see. It's been far too long since I last typed. Where do I start?
Well, for starters, congrats on your hard work with Daemon, Kehn. You've done a great job with him.

Next, much to my dismay, a friendship I have is going down the crapper, and there's nothing I can do about it. Try as I may, I've done what I can, only for it to be figuratively thrown back in my face.

After 4 years of being together, Az and I finally tied the knot!! (Go Us!!!!!) Even though both of us had a lot of baggage to muck through, we did it. And the 4 years of patiently waiting paid off. We only had a month to plan and carry out everything for our wedding, and my heartfelt congrats goes out to Rachel. Without you, sis, the wedding wouldnt have been as spectacular. And for all the others that helped out with it as well, I know you may never read this blog entry, but I thank you as well.

Oooohh. I just remembered something to smile about. Joran's now 3 and his absolute favorite superhero's are Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk. He has created several gestures and when he does them, they are so cute. Az and I ask Joran, "What does Iron Man do?" he responds by extending his arm the exact way Iron Man does when doing a repulsor attack and yells "BOOM".
A&I: What does Hulk do?
J: *smashes fists down like the Hulk*
A&I: What does Batman do?
J: *acts likes he's throwing a boomerang*
A&I: What does Superman do?
J: *throws his fists in the air like he's going to fly*
A&I: What does Spiderman do?
J: *does a hand gesture (with web-throwing sound effect) that resembles Spidey slinging webs*
At times he'll do the gesture as a test to us, and we have to respond who it is. I tell you what, that boy is growing cuter every day.
Mandy, you were right, he's going to be a heartbreaker.


Well, for all of you who wondered if I had fallen off the face of the earth, hopefully this proves that I'm still alive.

And, this is the long and short of what's happened to me 'til now. Toodles.

Sheesh....

Well, week 3 of college has officially started for me and I've already taken 1 of my 2 tests tonight.
I still can't believe I'm back here, but I need a much better job than the 1 I currently have.
It's nice to know that for once I'll be going home early tonight.....

Babies teething are a real bitch. Joran's finally cutting teeth and he's been cranky ever since he started. He's had a fever and "the runs" the whole time. I can honestly say that I had no idea cutting teeth gave babies diarhhia till now: loaded diapers that reek so bad you have to hold your nose. Gross. Oh well. The best I can do is continue giving him all of the tools we mothers have available in supermarkets everywhere: plenty of baby Tylenol, lots of Pedialyte, and baby anti-diarhhial medicines....

It is times like this, when silence surrounds me and chaos consumes my mind, that my memories return to haunt me like bad nightmares one wishes to banish. I've recently read the current blogs of old friends and suddenly I realize just how much I've changed, how much things have changed in my life. Granted, I know a lot of those changes stemmed from my decisions, yet there are things in my past that I deeply wish I could return to, people that I miss and wish I could talk to though I lack the courage to speak to them again.
I see how I've let certain friendships lapse, and there are times I sincerely long to restore them, but somehow I get the feeling that this is the way I should allow things to remain. That I should remain silent and mind my own business regardless of how much it hurts to remember people from my past, and regardless of how much I may want to contact them considering I still have the means to do so... (you know who you are)



As for one person's blog I recently read: no man, woman or child should ever come between a mother trying to comfort her upset child. And when one does, so help them should they suffer a mother's wrath.
I'm glad to hear your son is doing well, though I'm shocked to see that you've let your hair grow out.
It's hard to imagine that your son will be a year old in October, but it's just a hard for me considering mine will be 1 yr at the end of this month. All your life mothers and fathers you speak to tell you that children grow up all too quickly, yet we as children never really believe them until we ourselves have children. Then it seems that we begin understanding everything our parents ever tried to teach us: all the lessons, all the heartache, the aggrevation, the anger and tears... The veil of understanding never truly or completely drops for us until after our 1st one is born. Suddenly we begin seeing things through the eyes of a parent, wondering how our child will end up; not wanting them to make the same mistakes we did and so we try to teach them our mistakes in hopes that they will learn from them, all the while knowing that they will have to learn on their own.

No, when we decided to have our sons, we never really knew what we were getting into, did we Kehn? It has been a day-by-day learning experience for us both, and hopefully, we can one day look back on everything and hope we did well by them. That is all we have to look forward to....

Whoever expected and expects you to be the happy-go-lucky mom from the 1920's is a fuckin dumbass. The first few years after a child's birth are going to be the most depressing, aggrevating and exciting years of your life. Take heart that even after all of this time of no contact with each other that we are STILL not so different from one another. Not a day goes by that I don't get pissed at Joran or Jake. There are even times that I still wish I could just leave and never return. All we can do is push them aside and do what we know we have to do: provide for our sons.

My Return

Hah! everyone. I'm back! I know the span of time was far too long, but I unfortunately no longer have internet access.
To catch you all up, here's a summary of what has happened in my year absence: Az and I's son was born healthy in August of '06 and I have finally realized that all of you who chastized me for not remaining in college and prodded me to return to it were in fact.........right.
I have finally realized that my life is on a downward spiral; my present job and the necessity to provide for my son has brought this to my attention. I am now officially making a comeback. I have become so disgusted of working at a dead-end job that pays practically nothing that I can barely make end's meet, let alone provide for myself or the start of my family.
As of this very moment in time I am in the process of returning to college. There are only a few things left that need to happen. My eagerness has returned and with the aid of a co-worker/close friend who is also returning to college, I won't fuck up again.
Well, gtg....till next time...........

Damn Blank Room...

I don't know what it is about this time of the year, but for some reason my mind seems to completely empty itself of any and all thought. Yes. The same blank room that I had this time last year has once again returned, and because of it, all of my creativity has vanished along with it.
I guess it's the weather....the windy, gloomy, cold days just seem to bring about and stir up saddening memories. Another factor seems to be that I can't help remembering what things were like this time last year....and how over the course of ONE year my life has changed so drastically.
There have been times lately where I've wished that I could simply wave my hand and go back to the way things used to be, how they were so simple and uncomplicated. And sometimes, just SOMETIMES I wish I would have waited to have a child.
I've recently come to realize that maybe I did rush into things. (I know I did when it came to having a child.) When I said yes to dating Az, I told him "There's only one way that I'll date you. 1) You have to take me as I am, flaws and all, and 2) You have to take it slow."
Well, he took me as I was, but as for the take it slow part, we ended up having sex within the 1st week that we started dating. (It tooks me 6-7 years TOTAL before I ever made that decision with my ex....just to put things into perspective for you all.)Because of that decision, Az and I never had the time to develop our relationship. Our relationship, at that time, was based on our carnal desires, our sexual hunger. We only sat down months into my pregnancy and decided to work on our relationship, to develop it. Because of how fast our relationship progressed, and the lack of development, there have been questions I've been asking myself... What would have happened had I waited to date Az? Would it have been easier and less painful to get over my ex? Would Az and I be having so many problems had I waited?
As of today, we still have problems, things we need to work out, but as least we're working on them. We've both agreed that if our relationship is going to last, then we can't sweep any problems we have with each other under a rug and ignore them; that it's best to deal with them the instant they pop up. And when the problem's initially brought up, yeah, it may hurt, but by discussing the problem we resolve it, and by resolving the conflict we only strengthen our bond, which strengthens our relationship.

So to any of you out there having conflicts with your girlfriend/boyfriend, fiancee or spouse, if you truly love them, don't ignore problems. If you notice they seem to be angered by your mere presence, or try to pull away from you, make an attempt to talk to them. And if they don't want to talk to you, then drop the subject; they'll tell you what's bothering them when they're ready.

And Az, when you read this, just remember that I love you with every breath I take, and with everything I am and have.... I love you, Az...

Vetah, take care of yourself and get this issue with Cora figured out. I know you love her too much to just throw your relationship with her away, and if you are willing to just let her go.....you're dumber than I thought...

HELP ME.........PLEASE!!!!!

Anyone who can help me out, please do so....

I am currently wanting to change the entire appearance of my blog, but I don't know how. If someone can either teach me how or wants to create a new blog page for me, let me know.....

I am my name......

Deep down inside me there's a demon that feels all the pain I feel and bottles it inside itself. With each memory of certain people, or events, the pain builds and brings the demon closer to the surface, closer to taking control of me. And when it does, EVERYONE I know pays. My words become venomous, filled with cold anger and calm pain. When the demon takes control, it's only goal is to ease the pain we feel by inflicting it on others, whether by verbally hurting them, or by physically hurting them.
Lately, Az and I have started to have more and more small arguments.....arguments over the dumbest shit that shouldn't even matter, but aparently does. Just yesterday my mom mentioned that the surgery performed last week on my only remaining grandmother didn't get all the cancer like the doctors had initially thought. I ended up dropping the phone. Az commented that Mom was still on the phone, and I snapped at everyone in the room, including my son's soon-to-be Aunt Jenny. I just...snapped....
Moments later in our room, I found myself so consumed with rage that I purposely tried to start a fight with Az. Not to mention, I knew he was already emotionally numb, yet the demon deep within me rose to the surface like some monster from the grave of my soul and I started spouting my poisoned words in an attempt to see just how emotionally cold I could make him.

I have come to realize that my "PAYNE" is caused by a culmination of things. For starters, as you all know I lost my grandfather back in June due to cancer, and that 3 wks later, my oldest uncle was dianosed with cancer. Well, on top of all that shit, about 2-3 wks ago, my aforementioned grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I have also come to realize that I'm missing Vetah more now than I ever have before....so much more that just thinking about him kills me. And as beautiful and amazing as Az and I's son is, I can't help but remember the loved ones who died so that our son could live. (read back several posts to where i mentioned "there must be death in order for life to exist....")

Another One Of Life's Little Oddities...

When I came up with our son's name, I originally never knew it would be used as an actual person's name. You see, I created it for a story I started writing back in '00. It was the name of one of my main characters.
Oddly enough, Az and I came to find out through an internet baby-name website, that Joran is a REAL name, and apparently we unknowingly named our son the English form of.....................................................well, Kal-ell's father, Jor-ell.....

Talk about weird.....huh?


And the even scarier thing is that Joran actually SOUNDS like Jor-ell............................